Jershey Shore Shark Attack looks like it was shot on a BetaMax camera from the 80’s by a six year old.
As The Chronicles of THE Bachelor Black Man are thrust upon you, take a moment and walk thirty minutes in my shoes on a typical day in the market….
So, I stop by Harris Teeter this morning so I can pick up some breakfast items because I woke up starving. As I’m walking around the dairy products, about to grab my eggs and cheese, I notice this “smoking” blond, in yoga pants that wear like a second skin on this woman. After filling my eyes, and coming back from my mini-daydream, I grab my items and head to the self checkout. While I’m waiting, guess who else comes to the self-checkout? Yup, smoking-blond-yoga-pants! Being the gentleman that I am, I offered her my position in line. She accepts, steps forward, begins to place her items on the counter and turns and says, “Thank you handsome. You’d let me go before you? I bet your also the type of man that would let me cum before you!” Bing, bing, bing, bing, bingggg! You have my attention, Sister!!
So after some small talk and the quickest bagging of groceries ever, I get outside and scan the perimeter as I’m walking to my car, and then she pulls up beside me in her 370Z convertible and says to me, “Wanna join me for a workout?” I had no intentions on doing anything this morning except a cream cheese bagel, filled with sliced ham and cheese on my menu, but if this woman is offering, then I’m taking. After following her for a few minutes down Pisgah Church Road I start to wonder, what if this woman is taking me somewhere to rob me. Or worse yet, what if she has telephoned ahead to some steroid-user waiting at her home to do the robbing. My mind is racing ninety miles a minute as we begin to ascend down Elm Street into the historic district. As horny as I am and as much as my penis is attempting to “Carrie Underwood me and take the wheel”, my thoughts of this is “too good to be true encounter” continue to cloud my mind, so as she hangs a left onto Simpson Street, I take a right onto Paisley and jump back onto Battleground and before I know it am back in the luxury of my bachelor pad, safe and sound. Still horny, but safe and sound.
I blame Fox News, CNN and Nancy Grace and their coverage of all the violence and “what-if Dahmer-like” scenarios that they paint daily for my “freak-flag” having to be flown at half mast. Now they have me thinking about doing Secret Service reconnaissance prior to busting up in a woman’s home as we strip each other naked and bounce each others hungry bodies off of hallway walls until we reach the confines of her bedroom. I can’t help but beat myself up about not taking the morning tryst and making the best of it, but I trust my intuition more than I trust my penis (also why I have no children). It’s a holiday during the week, the 4th of July, so I’m sure that we will be able to make up for the missed opportunity with a hot, steamy cookout-
hookup in a pool house somewhere around the city where I can take the frustration of missing the opportunity to peel the yoga pants off of those long golden-brown legs out on some new friend. Should I or shouldn’t I, that remains to be the question.
Episode 1 of The Chronicles of THE Bachelor Black Man continue………
So, while talking to some female friends of mine, as we sat around last night passing around our funny cigarettes, sipping wine and taking shots of Ciroc and Tequila while watching Arrested Development I heard an interesting nugget. We were discussing relationships and what happens when you have an issue with your significant other. The options offered were….keep it b/t the two partners, discuss with a family member/bff or take it to strangers (i.e facebook, twitter and other social media outlets).
Of course no one picked the stranger route (b/c my girls are much too smart for that), four of them chose keep it b/t the partners, and then two of them picked the talk to a family member/bff as their choice. Being the inquisitive mind that I am, I wanted to know why. Their choice was simple, TO THEM. They simply wanted to have a “sounding board” for their issue. Of course this caused the conversation to get heated and take a course into the ditch that it shouldn’t have (but that’s how our conversations go) as others agreed that this is a good way to wreck a relationship. But, as normal when we get this way during our “relationship-101-lectures” we get over it and then get back together and discuss further once we all have had a chance to think about it. So, I respected the dynamic-duo’s positions and left it alone.
But afterwards, it made me wonder, why give your relationship over to someone that isn’t in it and hasn’t worn the relationship-shoes that they and their mate have. It seems like an awful a lot of power to give to someone that may not be in a relationship, because
1. they can’t handle one
2. may be in a toxic relationship of their own
3. may not be able to keep a relationship above water
4. or may be one that doesn’t have the relationship experience that one would wish when they seek out advice.
5. Or maybe they are a “misery loves company type” and will not rest until YOUR single like they are
The way I see it is, if I want to know what brakes are best on my car so that it will stop and I won’t go headfirst into the farmers market on Saturday morning, I’m not going to ask an interior decorator. She/he may decorate their ASS off, but not know the first thing about a car, especially how to stop it.
Men and women think differently, I get that. But more than we think differently, we think alike. I can’t wait to get back together next weekend and see what the consensus is then. Who knows, maybe the dynamic-duo took THIS conversation to their sounding board to see what they thought of it. 🙂
We shall see!