I Struggle

Image

Is the hardest thing in life to be honest with oneself? I woke up this morning asking myself this very thing.

 

Being honest with yourself..what does that entail? Convincing yourself that you really do like liver and onions…..the fact that you, as have many, many, many, many men, have tucked your penis between your legs to see what it would be like to have your own vagina, that “strange” is on your mind 24/7 or that you enjoy the porn that your friends overload your mail with but you tell your significant other that it’s just spam (c’mon don’t act like it’s just me). Yes, yes, yes and YES. 

As a man, there comes the day when you begin to take stock in who you are and what have you accomplished in life (usually at the age of pre-40). Some will ponder the question and eventually come up with a solution. Others will say “fuck it” and continue on wandering around aimlessly with no direction while the majority will either go out and buy a car they can’t afford, in hopes that the obligatory 25 year-old big-tittied blond passenger with no sexual restrictions comes along as one of the purchased options, or they will lease a crotch-rocket that they will drive like a bat outta hell through the countryside reliving their youth in every hairpin turn. Often referred to as the “Mid-Life Crisis” this is what we men have to look forward to. But bottom line, what else is there to do? When you begin to question everything that you know and have. This issue beleaguers the best of men, regardless of wealth or location. The only communality is age and appreciation. It brings me back to my previous post….when a man feels appreciated, self-doubt has no place in his house. But, that is way easier said than done. 

In order to live a life that I’m happy with, I think the answer has to be yes. I have to be honest with myself, or what else do I own in my life that has any substance to it? I have always lived my life by the mantra that one has to love them-self before they can love anyone else, and that love is an extension of being honest internally. When a man isn’t honest with himself, he begins to hate the life that he is a part of. That hate begins to become present in everything that he does and he is always questioning his every move. Am I happy with my job? Do I love my wife? Should I become a father (having a child might make my relationship better)? Or should I just get a puppy? 

It is a path in my life that I struggle with daily. But I attempt to progress and make it better. Men are a fragile work of progress until the day we die. Most just aren’t honest enough to admit it. 

Once a Cheater Always a…..

Image

I feel under-appreciated.

I’m engaged yall. Well, I have been engaged now for more than a year, but because of college we have taken our time with setting the date.  We have been a couple for approximately four years and I love her deeply. I used to scoff at love and couples holding hands because I was the epitome of the lifetime bachelor, but things change. Change is good, right? You know I sit and wonder sometimes if that’s true. As the relationship has aged, so have the little things. Now I notice that things that used to be appreciated, aren’t any longer. The small things like doing the laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher or filling the Keurig are never appreciated. The kind words have been changed to things that I have not completed or did in a timely manner. She likes jewelry, so I purchase jewelry, and it sits in her jewelry cabinet, unworn. I feel under-appreciated. Recently I have found myself thinking about past relationships and looking at women like I had in the past. The sleeping giant, The Cheater, seems to be awakening. I know it and can feel it at night as I lay beside of her, sit across the table from her at dinner  and as I walk across the campus daily.

Oftentimes when a person is feeling this way they are able to fill the void with a quick fling, emotionally or physically. I know that if I go out and fulfill the void physically, I will be tearing down a relationship that I have put in a lot of work in building and worse yet, I will kill the security of the relationship. I don’t want to do that, but I feel the devil and the angel both standing on my shoulders, both of them with great arguments as to why i should/shouldn’t cheat. I have been cheated on by every woman I have been in a relationship with, with the exception of this one. I have no reason to think that she has or deserves to be emotionally bruised by my selfish actions either. But the fact remains, that since the days of being thankful of the small things I do they are slowly turning into obligations. I feel under-appreciated.I know that a relationship has it’s good days and bad days. I am the uber-optimist and will always look to the future of things getting better. But I’m having trouble with this one. Would hearing a different woman’s sultry voice whisper in my ear make me feel appreciated?

Would being told, “You did this. Awww, thanks!” make me get over the blues state that I am living in? Or would one two hour session of sweaty, lustful, hair-pulling, no names spoken,  porno-lik sex make me feel better? More appreciated! So at this point I ponder…”To cheat or not to cheat? That is the question.”